Hostexcellence
| "You ok?" I get asked the question more often than I think I should, and it used to bother me. This time, the query came from a hostess at a recent show.?She wasn't too wrong in wondering; my performances in El Paso had been a struggle.?I wasn't failing, but neither was I destroying.?I was following a local Hispanic comic who was doing local reference and Hispanic humor to 85% Hispanic audiences.?Guess what the masses thought of a white guy from Iowa after sitting through thirty minutes of that??I'd been strolling around the restaurant, re-arranging my set repeatedly to try and work with the challengegetting people to turn on their minds and think a little after hearing base realities they could relate towhen the hostess interjected.?So while I wasn't moody, I was of blank expression, which has gotten sideways wonderings tossed my way more often than not.The thing is, my eyes droop.?At the outer edges, they slope downwards rather than resting centered on my face.?My mouth has a small south curve at its sides, suggesting a slight frown.?It's not exactly a scowl, but my placidity of expression often emits a lack of approachability.?My hair is dark, which lends itself to a more forlorn predisposition than that of a sunny blonde, and between my eyebrows rest two small crests which give the impression I am of furrowed brow, even when not.?So if actually relaxed while reading, writing, or wandering, I still project agitated, or sorrowful.?In reality my mind is probably quite serene, and most likely singing an internal song about my kitty, Simon.?This internal singing occurs more often than it should, if you must know the embarrassing truth.Maybe my mood has been questioned my whole life, but I remember the "concern" growing in frequency around college.?Had I been a smarter, more self-aware person back then, I might have realized that some of the women asking me if I was alright were opening a door for conversation.?That they thought I was a brooding loner, and they were probably the type of woman that is attracted to silly misanthropes.?Not that anything that came from playing to their fantasies would have lasted long; you cannot wear a disguise as to who you are and using low self-esteem to enter into a relationship never works well.??But, damn my inexperience, I could have at least used knowledge to carnal advantage.As I'm asked if I'm eternally unhappy, I've always wondered what my aura looks like, or if it has changed over the years.?Is there an aura you are born with, or one you become???Does your projection change with mood, or is it a constant, something showing your inner you through whatever you are experiencing??I mean, I've been both insanely joyous and the most unhappy person in the world at different points in life.The worst for me was a New Years Eve.?I've no idea which one exactly, but it was in the 1990's and I was embroiled in my disastrous relationship with Julie, she who had a boyfriend but was carrying on an affair with me.?Julie was out with her boyfriend, leaving me depressed and uninterested in socializing; I instead stayed home and read "The Castle."?A wonderfully depressing book, it provided an amazingly silly stereotype of me: the depressed loner reading Kafka alone under a single light.?I finished the book and stared out the window into winter and felt as alone as I ever have in my life, with the tale of life's failure taking its toll on my psyche as I heard cheering and celebration.? |
| I finished the book and stared out the window into winter and felt as alone as I ever have in my life, with the tale of life's failure taking its toll on my psyche as I heard cheering and celebration.?Midnight.As I write these memories down, I think of method actors and the ability to pull past experiences to the surface to shine reality through the camera's lens.?I can feel the former sorrow ping a sounding in me, like an old addiction, wondering if it's re-surfacing for some fun.?It makes me wonder if any of it is tucked somewhere away, deep inside some muscle tissue, waiting for release.?There are traumas in life we carry with us for years; heartbreaks, failures and should-have-beens.I do know that long after Julie left, any pain I experienced was still a purging of her departure.?Even though I carried on and entered and exited other relationships, the surface pain felt then was always a throwback to that of my original internal sorrow.?Any rejection was tied to it, because that was the first, and the one that affirmed what I thought about myself through those turbulent teens and early twenties:?I am unlovable.?We as a people can create more damaging thoughts about ourselves than anyone could ever think of us.?Sadly, we then look for outside justification of the inner negativity.?Julie provided mine nicely, and thus any subsequent failed relationship was therefore another validation of her decision.?The next few departures were inexorably tied in my mind and it took me years to come to realistic terms with rejection, that how someone treats you is more a reflection on them than you.?If you act the doctor and first do no harm, then you've no regret when someone else treats you poorly.?Of course, you still may wonder, because a soul torn asunder can mend, but scar tissue is a slow heal.Anyway, as asked, did I look different to the world of molecules and energy back then, or did a constant being of "Nathan" still surround me??Did I shift in outer appearance simply recalling an old hurt just now??There are times you can feel isolated in a room crowded full of friends, and other moments you are comfortably attached to everyone on the planet while entirely alone.?The thing is, does it show in either situation??(Sure, I write in clichs, but that's all life is.?The trick is in understanding and accepting that, then adding your little bit of originality to it, not fighting the inevitable like a pissy teenager.)Regardless, I'm still sometimes asked if I'm upset while in a perfectly fine mood.?This week the distraction was real, and the hostess saw it.?But more often than not, if you wonder if I'm upset, you needn't worryall is well in my world, even if my expression doesn't show it.Oh, and to win over the El Paso audience members that weren't interested in non-stereotypical, simple comedy??I had to sell my soul and go lowest common denominator.?Sometimes people just aren't capable of enjoying anything above their groin.?Sad, actually. |
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