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I?m Hooked On Grass

Hostican Visit Hostican coupon codes for more info! This blog sponsored by: The other day I contemplated throwing dirty bath water on kids playing on my lawn.That's when I knew I needed help.I'd heard about meetings behind the garden section of a certain home supply store.I won't name it, because I don't want to implicate Home Depot as the cause of my disorder.Even though they sell the paraphernalia, and make it really convenient by allowing me to return one item for another, I don't blame them.I blame myself.I went to this week's meeting reluctantly.When they asked if I wanted to share, I cleared my throat and told the horrible truth."My name is Solomon, and I'm on grass.""Hi Solomon!" the attendees said in unison.They all seemed really friendly, so I admitted the extent of my problem."I do grass in the morning.I do grass in the evening.I ignore my wife and kids.And on the weekends, I really lose my mind."The other grass-heads nodded."I eat a lot when I do grass," I said."It gives me the munchies.And even when my eyes get bloodshot from the grass, I can't wait to do grass again.""Tell it brother!" said a black woman in a straw gardening hat."But grass can't solve my problems.Grass is my problem.And if I don't put down the lawn equipment now the lawnmower, the weed killer, everything I know I won't make it another summer.Everyone clapped.Some even got teary-eyed.?They asked me to go on."I got hooked on grass three years ago," I said."My lawn looked like a vacant lot.There were rocks, crab grass, and tire tracks so deep I thought Nascar had raced in front of my house."But underneath that mess, the grass was alive.It pulsated when no one was looking.It even talked to me sounded sorta like Vincent Price in an old horror flick."I paused, knowing I must have appeared insane."You ain't crazy baby," the woman in the gardening hat said reassuringly. Visit Hostican coupons for more info! This blog sponsored by: It even talked to me sounded sorta like Vincent Price in an old horror flick."I paused, knowing I must have appeared insane."You ain't crazy baby," the woman in the gardening hat said reassuringly."My grass used to sound like James Earl Jones!"An old man in green overalls spoke up."What did the grass say, son?""It said, 'Go to Home Depot, buy one of every gardening tool, and bring them to me.'""So what did you do?" he asked."I obeyed and I'm ashamed.""We're here for you, man," said a burly dude in a 'Say No To Grass' shirt."We love you Solomon!" someone shouted from the back.I spilled my guts.I told them about the lawnmower, the weed whacker, and the bush trimmer.I told them about the three garden hoses, the patch grass, the fertilizer, the gardening soil, the tillers, the spade, the grass seed and the mulch.They smiled and nodded.They'd all been there."So when did it come to a head?" asked the old man in the overalls."Last summer," I said."I'd bought all that crap and the lawn seemed like it was laughing at me. I was tired of it.So I bought a hand-held tiller, put on my Timberlands, went out in 90 degree heat, and stabbed the grass until I'd ripped out its weed-filled soul.By the time I finished, the lawn was a muddy mess.But I'd finally won.Or so I thought."Everyone was silent, no doubt remembering their own grass-inspired meltdowns."My lawn is green now," I said sadly."My neighbors ask me how I did it.I don't tell them about the mornings when I wake up to water my lawn when they're asleep.Or the nights when I go out and water it again because I just can't control myself.""The better it looks, and the more my neighbors admire it, the more obsessed I am with keeping it that way.So I've made a decision.I'm going to grass detox."They all began to clap.When they were finished, I made my final request."I just need you guys to do one thing for me," I said."Anything brother," the lady with the gardening hat said."You name it," said the old man with a smile."Mow my lawn while I'm gone."Reprinted from my Weekend Warrior column in the?Philadelphia Daily News.Copyright 2008 by Solomon Jones and Philadelphia Media Holdings. Visit Hostican coupon codes for more info! This blog sponsored by: Copyright 2008 by Solomon Jones and Philadelphia Media Holdings.

Last Updated ( Thursday, 17 July 2008 )